So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
