he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
