from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
