If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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