i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
