I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
