Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
