She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
