I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I want her autograph on my taint
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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