there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
