Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
