mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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