I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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