So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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