I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
