and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
