my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
