ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
