i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
