I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
