Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
