i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm at about main and main street
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
