so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
