My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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