i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
