i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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