Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
