How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
