listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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