How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
