I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
