If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
