Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i believe in u and ur pee
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
