I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
