At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
