I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
