I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
