the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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