So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
