I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
