my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
