1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize