I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
