i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My life is pants optional.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
