I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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