He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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