I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
