Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize