this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
