Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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