Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
