life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
