god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
