So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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