Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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