My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
