apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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