he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
