Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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