I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
