duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
God, I missed his penis.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
