in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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