I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
