I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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